As with any relationship, partners in a BDSM relationship need to have a consensual agreement between each other. We all know that no means no unless it’s a consensual no, then no becomes please, don’t stop. Give me more! That can be confusing in the BDSM scene. Furthermore, most of the practices found in a BDSM relationship can give the perception that someone is in trouble or not living up to their full potential. You can see this perspective with doms and subs that are public either walking the streets or writing blogs. Your neighbors may become worried when they hear the beatings that may be taking place during the hot summer months and you have the window open. Setting up consent with your partner is a healthy beginning to your BDSM path.
A contract between a dom and sub is an open line of communication. My Mistress and I began creating our contract by discussing our interests, or wants, and our needs. The discussion quickly became deep and involved serious emotions and connections to components of ourselves we felt we needed to hide for years. My Mistress began writing our contract to create an open line of communication and to document our needs from each other. It is the contract that has been the foundation of our lifestyle for the past 5 years. Upon agreeance to the contract, we both consented to the items within and spoke our minds about the various sections.
An important item we learned from creating our contract was the distinction from what we truly fantasized and what works in our reality. A perfect example is my collar. While it is extremely sexy for me to wear my collar and a gag all day long, it just is not a reality for us currently. We have careers and family. An all-day collar and gag is not an acceptable piece of my wardrobe. Distinguishing between our reality and our fantasies has led us to a more solid and authentic contract. Now, I am not saying that does not happen. Weekends at grandma’s place usually becomes long play sessions.
Mistress and I review our contract yearly. Over the past 5 years, we have discovered new pieces of ourselves and that has required us to review and update the context of our contract. Our contract lists out almost everything we consent to in the BDSM lifestyle. Our contract begins by stating what we are agreeing to, a BDSM lifestyle where Mistress takes ownership of me as her Submissive. We believe our hard limits are something we both must know before we can move forward; therefore, our hard limits come right after our agreeance. We have stressed the importance of being aligned with our hard limits and surprisingly we have never disagreed on a hard limit at all. We have talked extensively, and honestly, about what is and is not a hard limit. That has required vulnerability from each of us but also flexibility. Our hard limits are absolutely not going to happen in our lifestyle, but as we have grown, items have moved from the hard limits to the soft limits. We have found ways to safely incorporate and enjoy a hard limit in a sense that does not push us to that hard limit. A perfect example took place in the most recent update. Mistress and I are not keen on scat or piss play. Scat play is currently on our hard limit list; however, piss play has moved to a soft limit and made an appearance on our punishment list. The agreement was that I would have to earn this as a punishment for various reasons such as using the bathroom without permission from Mistress. This transition happened over the course of the last year as we discussed the act and how each of us felt involving the act into our lifestyle.
Mistress and I’s contract spells out our rituals and schedule for sessions. While spontaneous sessions continue to arise in our lifestyle, Mistress also likes to schedule certain nights. I am to kneel for my collar every evening after our children are down for the night as a ritual. Saturdays are game night with friends, so my ass is almost always stuffed with a plug. Rituals and schedules help us maintain a 24/7 lifestyle even when life takes us in busy directions.
Our contract explains rewards and punishments alongside our rituals, hard and soft limits, and a general list of our interested fetishes. The rewards section of our contract recently received a large update. Mistress implemented a point system for following rituals, chores, and the predefined schedule. She keeps track of the tasks and how many points I earn. I can purchase rewards such as a free chore day or an orgasm during sex that is not a ruined orgasm.
Mistress and I continue to talk about the contract way past the signing of the newest edition. This is how our contract continues to grow and evolve as we grow together. Recently, we have discussed of losing the options of enjoying an orgasm at all. Instead, my long, built up, pumping orgasms will become ruined orgasms for Mistress’s pleasure. This is how our lifestyle grows and evolves. These things do not happen without the update of our contract per our agreement.
Consent in a BDSM relationship is just as important as any relationship, if not, more so. Without proper consent and planning, a BDSM relationship can quickly crumble and become miserable for both parties. Take the time to speak to your partner, or partners, we do not judge around here. It will pay off in the long run.
Until next time
Kneeling Kitty
Kneeling Kitty 